On Taking Bereavement Time as a Freelancer
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2 funerals in 6 weeks is too many.
This topic is unusual for a business blog where I typically talk about marketing and social media strategy, but I thought it would be interesting to explore and helpful for other freelancers going through similar situations. In late February, my grandma passed away at 93 years old, and in early April, my mom died of cancer at 59 years old. Hell of a way to start the year! Not working at a traditional company where I could check in with HR and get standard bereavement time, I was uncertain about how I would navigate taking time off to grieve. Here are a few things that worked for me over the past few months:
Be Proactive
I’m a planner and always aim to stay organized and on top of things. While my grandma’s death was actually more unexpected (wound up in the hospital for three weeks, her condition up and down, and then suddenly passed), my mom’s was more predictable. Back in late January, her doctors gave her 4-8 weeks to live, so we knew that it was likely she would be gone by the end of March. She passed on April 3rd.
It sounds strange to say, but it drove me crazy that I couldn’t plan in advance around my mother’s death. While emailing clients, I would say out loud to my husband “I just wish I knew when she was going to die so I could plan accordingly!” It sounds insane, but dealing with the unknown was a really difficult part.
Knowing for those 4-8 weeks that it was coming meant that to some extent, I could be proactive. I tried to stay even more on top of my emails than usual and plan out content far in advance, so if I had to unexpectedly take time out of the office, the game plan would be ready to go.
One thing that was extra-helpful was having the opportunity to work with a guest photographer, my friend Quajay, on an Instagram series for my client Celebrate City Living. We started planning this in February, and he photographed folks throughout March. By late March, he had most of the photos to me and I could schedule the social content for April. This ended up being incredibly valuable because it freed up my time for the laborious process of funeral planning during COVID.
Be Honest
Sometimes “be honest” is easier said than done when it comes to someone else’s health. For years, my mom did not want anyone to know she had cancer. When she was first diagnosed in October 2018, she told us not to tell anyone. I never mentioned it to my clients until about six weeks before she passed. And how the heck do you phrase an email announcing that your parent’s imminent death may impact your work?
On February 15th, I notified my retainer clients via email. The message went something like “My mom only has a few weeks left to live, I may need to step away for a few days at short notice, but your content is all planned out, so no need to worry.” Everyone was incredibly understanding! I had been nervous to send those emails, but people certainly get that family health issues do affect your work. We’re all human. One of my clients even sent me flowers after my mother passed, which was so thoughtful and appreciated!
It was a little harder to decide who to tell and when in other cases. I had two social media strategy projects going with clients at the time, and wasn’t sure if I should tell them or not. “You’ll have the presentation soon enough, it probably won’t affect anything,” I told myself. I ended up telling one client and not the other. One client I was able to present to about two weeks before my mom passed; the other one asked us to delay the final presentation by a month or so. Given the uncertainty of my schedule, I let them know, and they were very compassionate. A surprise I found in telling people is that so many folks can relate. When I told one client, they shared that their dad had died of cancer in his 50s, and they had some kind words for me. I’m so glad I was able to be open about it, especially as things got more intense and challenging at the end.
Be Gentle with Yourself
I’m still working on this one. I didn’t take a ton of time off work for either death. But with freelancing, I have some flexibility. The day my grandma died, I cried a bunch, ate a giant cookie, and watched YouTube videos of cute animals in bed for the rest of the day. I felt lucky that I was able to do that!
For a few months now, I’ve been working part-time as a contact tracer, and luckily that’s a somewhat flexible job too. The day my mom started hospice, I was able to work my shift by her bedside, leaving the room to make phone calls when needed. I also scheduled posts for a client while sitting by her bed. Maybe that was a sign of workaholism, hustle culture, or blurred lines, but it worked well for me. Work was a good distraction. I even taught a Rochester Brainery class just five days after she died.
My mom passed on a Saturday morning and I was scheduled to work contact tracing on Sunday. Thankfully, I was able to get that day off. I took off Monday through Wednesday that week, mostly to process the shock and be with my family. My brother’s 26th birthday was just three days after our mom passed, so we tried to celebrate extra-hard to make it special rather than painful. I also took off the Friday leading into the funeral weekend, which allowed me to clean my house before my in-laws arrived. The Monday after funeral weekend, I took the afternoon off and we buried her. Then the day after that, I took the afternoon off and went through her clothes with my aunt and my mom’s friends. It’s a lot of tasks to get through, not to mention the emotions and memories.
I know grief isn’t linear, so things aren’t necessarily ‘over’ now. They may continue to come up, triggered by who knows what. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night anxious, heart racing, and know it’s linked in my brain to getting a call in the middle of the night that my mom was already gone, less than 24 hours after starting hospice. On the days after nights like that, I try to give myself some grace, ending my workday earlier or taking a longer lunch so I can rest. I’ll probably need time and space for awhile to come, so I’m doing my best to be gentle with myself. I’m not always good at it, but I’m trying.
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